Enigin mentions here the changes the new coalition government are putting in place and how they will affect those on tax credits and benefits.

The good thing about this new government, albeit a coalition one, is they have not wasted time getting down to the business of reducing costs the government cannot afford. Benefits are probably one of the highest outlays of government spending.

In the UK, the government assists those that are not so well off to be able to pay exorbitant rants in the capital and rents; those of which would put them at significant disadvantage financially given the lower rates of pay many working families receive.

Although the government would like to cut costs, there must be other areas of government spending that can be cut instead of benefits. What about increasing taxes to the rich? Surely it would be better to target those that have wealth rather than the have-nots. What about all those off shore bank accounts UK residents may have?

There are so many avenues the government can cut costs. Whatever little savings can be gotten by targeting assistance programs to the poor that cannot defend themselves against government cut backs, surely a better use of resources and man power would be to target the wealthy? This would also yield more money in terms of income. If the percentage of tax to earnings was raised for the better-off surely this would have a more favourable outcome all around, in terms of government income, and fairness to all those poor potential voters in the next election.

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Honestly, some sayings really do get my goat. Not only do they get it, they humiliate it. They make my goat feel about so big (imagine something really small, or even better pick up a five pence piece and imagine that as a miniature goat and you should get the picture).

What I am speaking of is sayings like “It’s as boring as watching paint dry”. Now, as a part-time artist for many years, I find this particularly insulting; as insulting as the world found Leslie Ash’s face after her Skin rejuvenation thing went widly wrong and gave her horrendous fish lips. “–Listening to paint dry,” would be more apt. Or even “–watching a really boring friend intensely watching paint dry” would be better. But “–Like watching paint dry”? I can tell anyone who is not an artist that there is nothing more fantastical than watching your carefully placed brush-strokes harden and acquire their place in history, immortal and living forever.

Not that people who aren’t artists would understand that, of course, no, they are far too busy putting paint-watchers down. To those people I say “get a life losers!”

My plan to teach the world that watching paint dry is far from a dull thing to do? Well I intend to take this to the highest level of course. I already have a letter drafted which invites Obama to come and watch paint dry, and after that I expect the rest of the world to follow suit and paint-watching to become a new and fascinating thing in the hearts and minds of the public eye!

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It happens to me often: I’ll be surfing the web all care free and hippy-like, and then I’ll stumble across something which makes my eyes pop out. In this case it’s a blog owned by a company called Enigin. Now, if making eyes pop out was an Olympic sport – not sure if I’d want to watch that or not, though – you can bet your solar-paneled roof that Enigin would be right up there winning gold and silver medals all over the place.

The link leads to their FAQ page and, as you might have guessed, it’s one hell of an FAQ page. There are even questions on there which I hadn’t thought of in a million years (which should technically be on an Infrequently Asked Questions page, but I’m sure these guys and girls know best). The link in question is this one.

From what I can gather, Enigin are mad keen on energy saving. I don’t mean that they like it a lot, and I don’t mean that they are simply quite enthusiastic. I mean that from the looks of it they all drive electric cars and live in houses which are made entirely from old tires and car bumpers. How’s that for setting an example to the masses?

OK, so I may be exaggerating, but I’m sure I’m not too far off the mark. This lot know what’s up, basically, and they aren’t afraid to tell us useless people (us ones who drive proper cars and waste ludicrous amounts of energy as if it’s going out of fashion, which, incidentally, it seems to be) how to run our lives better.

My suggestion? You read and learn, because everyone can use some good advice sometimes.

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Since I first came across this huge stumbling block I have sat through several television programmes that go over exactly how our universe began; except none of them have even approached this problem, let alone tried to explain it. Instead they just try to recreate large bangs inside storage units and pretend that it explains everything.

We are becoming more and more advanced as time goes on and many new theories are beginning to emerge. However, none of them can help to solve this all-important riddle. If you read about the basics of quantum physics then you will see that much of it points to the existence of a Creator Being. And Chaos Theory has effectively bitten itself on the bottom; it is now known that the more we look into chaos, the more evidence we will find of an intelligent pattern and design.

It would seem as if we have spent a great deal of time finding out about absolutely nothing at all. The more scientific research we do, the more confused we become. On the whole we are no closer to understanding the origins of our universe today than we were a hundred years ago. Are we spending too long asking questions; when we already know the answers? Perhaps the truth is a lot simpler than we all think…

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This post is about not chopping down trees. And I can assure you now that even if you barely ever think about chopping down trees it will be an astoundingly interesting post. I better get moving then–I’m running out of time!

I am stuck thinking about chopping down trees, seeing chainsaw wielding tree chopper-downers in my sleep and other such disturbing imagery, because of my neighbour. The one to the left of us who works for a chemical peel company (whatever it is they do…) and recently decided to chop down the big tree in his garden. How I hate that man there! The tree was fine until he came along. It gave life, love and warmth to dozens of little birds. But now look in his garden and see what has become of it. The tree is gone, the birds have nowhere to go, and damn my neighbour! The poor excuse for a human being.

The thing is, I couldn’t really give a monkey’s about the tree or the birds. The problem is this. Ever since their home was destroyed they have been camping out outside our bedroom window. And they wake me, the swines, every single morning with their darn chirping! Every morning leaving none untouched! I am quite simply sick of it and I don’t know what on earth to do.

I could just go up there and steal their nest, of course, but I’m afraid of birds. Near their nest is the last place I want to be–

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If I was the Prime Minister I suppose I would make emergency fuel delivery a simple thing: upon breaking down by the side of the road, a special helicopter would be called in to drop said fuel down (obviously not from too high up, we don’t want any explosions or petrol going everywhere…). I would aslo have to make it legal for everyone to consume at least three chocolate bars a day when above the age of four. Because getting hooked on chocolate is a great thing, of course. I suppose I would also have to make every child sit in a why chocolate can be bad for you class too, because some would take it too far, and inevitably I would get it in the neck. Probably right so, too.

Another thing I would do is make it mandatory for every adult over the age of forty to attend a computer class every week. The class would focus on all the things that trouble the older generation. Things us young ones take for granted like switching the computer on, what a mouse is / what it does, and how to use a computer using both hands, not just using one finger and subsequently looking like a right old wally. Because it’s bad, people. It’s a terrible situation! Many of the older people in this country regularly spend as long as an hour every day attempting to turn their computer on–and the result? A great deal of stress for the younger generation is what! For they are the ones assigned the troublesome duty of teaching the older ones what to do!

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Alright I accept it, there is a need for antique programs on day-time TV just as there is a need for breast enhancement for any woman wanting to go to Hollywood and make it big. I suppose there are millions of antiques gathering dust in attics all over the country, so there must be a demand for these kind of shows. But I have noticed a worrying trend and it appears to only be getting worse–It is that of the young antique fans appearing on these once older-person dominated shows. Young ones I tell you! They are taking over!

Now, I am not disputing that there aren’t people out there, young people, who want to see this. But seriously, every day? Because I just can’t fathom it. Shouldn’t they be out there living their lives and stuff instead of watching this? I mean, ask yourself: how many people under the age of thirty-five do you see walking around car-boot sales in the hunt for all things antiques?(Not that I go to them of course…a friend told me.)

I get it, I really do. They are trying to make antique programs more appealing to the younger generation, hip and stuff, and you really can’t blame them. Sooner or later new antiques geeks will need to take over if this thriving industry is to continue well in to the future.

But please, there must be a limit! If I had my way I’d put a disclaimer at the beginning: Warning, this show contains young antique fans and their high level of interest and bizarre excitement over anything older than they are may be disturbing.

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Pat Butcher. Pam St. Clements. Whatever name is familiar I’m sure you know who I’m on about; she was the one who would make a good candidate for Gastric band surgery. Need another hint? Well, she was Pauline Flowers arch-nemesis / sometimes best friend, of course, and in trouble more times per episode than any character ever was (apart from possibly Dot’s disastrous son Nasty Nick). Whatever you know her as, you know her as the backbone of never-less-than-grim English soap Eastenders. You also know her as the originator of the largest earrings on planet earth. Bar none…

The first time I saw Pat’s earrings, as a young boy, I was shocked. I had never come across such things before. Never, in all my eight or nine years of living, had I seen such wondrous massive dangly things.

I don’t remember what Pam—sorry, Pat—was doing, but whatever was happening was making her earrings swing about dangerously. I have a feeling she may have been either having a fight with her husband or was in bed with him, which seemed bizarre to me, as it was the middle of the afternoon in the episode: either way, to an eight year-old it looked like one and the same thing. As the fight intensified I had to hide behind the sofa. Pat’s earrings were swinging with such force that they looked as dangerous as two great fiery chandeliers! (They were orange, and with my imagination working over-time it didn’t take much to imagine them as flaming.)

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That was when my fascination with this most incredible of hair-do’s started. From that moment onwards I did as much research as I could, venturing to places where I knew I would be faced with a ponytail–

There was a pub down the road from me where a beast of a man with a beast of a ponytail was said to hang out. The beast’s name was Greg The Destroyer. Legend had it that he could break a man’s nose with one swing of his ponytail. So I went there, armed with my fake ponytail attached to my head: if I was going to get caught then I wanted to at least be caught in relative style–

I approached the window with caution and looked in: that was when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I span around and there he was: it was Greg The Destroyer, and he had a hand on his ponytail–just like John Wayne would have his hand on his gun–

“You looking for this?” he asked.

I said, “so what If I am?”

He said, “So what nothing. You like it?”

There was an awkward silence. I said, “It’s alright”. And that was when he saw my ponytail, reached down and ripped it off. The he started to laugh and I legged it.

I never did go back. But I if I meet Greg The Destroyer, he’s going to see he has some competition as I have booked an appointment at Laser Hair Removal Manchester!

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I have been watching plenty of Champions League football over the last few weeks and months and most of it has been great. The Champions League brings the best clubs in Europe together to compete against each other for the biggest prize in club football and some of the talent on display is unbelievable at times.

Rooney, Ronaldo, Lampard, Gerrard, Buffon and Lionel Messi are just some of the superstars who regularly feature in the Champions League with their respective teams. The British club dominance of the Champions League in recent years has been excellent for British people, but for the neutral, it has made things a little stale. However, with the success of Barcelona last year, perhaps things are starting to change again.

As I mentioned earlier, the Champions League showcases some brilliant football and some memorable matches have been played out such as the Champions League Final of 2005 between Liverpool and AC Milan. However, something has become more and more prominent in European football over the years that is not good, and that is diving, or “simulation”as it is called these days.

This part of the game is incredibly annoying to see as players try to cheat the referees and their assistants by faking an injury or falling over and pretending to have been fouled. Personally, I believe culprits who may not have been caught by the referee but who have been caught by camera should face lengthy bans and pay large fines. A harsh punishment is an effective way to get rid of this annoying habit that is becoming all too common.

Whilst I don’t want to label certain countries as main offenders, there is no doubting that the clubs from mainland Europe dive far more than those clubs from England and Scandinavia. Even domestic club games in such leagues as the Serie A and Ligue 1 see a large amount of diving or very “soft”free kicks being given by the referee. It is a shame and needs to be stamped out soon.
I think I have a solution everyone will agree upon for what we should sort out for Gillian’s pre-wedding weekend. Who would be up for a unexpected trip and putting up a bit of income on some three valleys ski resort accomodations. I think that it will be a great way for her to start off married life!

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